Giving up on being a somebody

Resistance to a necessary ego death.

Now, I’m not talking about being the chosen one who was supposed to bring balance to the force, but I am referring to the animus in me who believed he was destined for greatness given the abilities he had (and still has). However, nearing my 37^th birthday and the constant realisation that my life has not lived up to my expectations nor have I lived up to my ideals of success and life fulfilment, something has to give. As I’ve talked about previously, I’ve had a tough time letting versions of myself go that are no longer helpful, so why am I resistant to this self-identity perishing?

Before we go any further, I’m using the term ego death in the Jungian sense of reordering of the psyche or psychic death involving a resetting of the human consciousness to better align with the natural self through a process of transcendence. I’m not referring to doing psychedelic drugs and dissolving away a sense of self and separation between you and the world, social and physical. I also don’t mind it in the Zen Buddhist way of pursuing enlightenment, but anyway, back to the program.

The jetsetting corporate type - a former ideal I had - Photo by Artem Zhukov on Unsplash.

Our society disproportionately rewards the somebodies, and it’s not just with wealth, it’s status, respect, opportunities etc. Now, I’ve worked very hard to not be overcome with bitterness and resentment at not receiving what I feel I deserve, but it’s difficult not to be a tad disappointed when you feel you have the right attributes and you’ve done the right things only to be not rewarded and to have others less talented, less skilled, less educated, less moral get all the glory it seems.

I’m seeking answers…and I keep seeking answers. This is why I ponder and read a significant amount of philosophy and literature along with contemplating things of a spiritual and/or religious nature. I’ve gone through multiple careers from the business and corporate world to acting to psychology and now writing…and it’s probable that it won’t end there in my pursuit of answers to life’s questions.

I can’t help but feel that society no longer values me or doesn’t value what I have – nor what I value – or the way I go about it. I preach humility, but being humble doesn’t guarantee getting anywhere either, much like how hard work and effort doesn’t equal success. I have knowledge, wisdom, understanding, awareness, emotional stability and empathy as demonstrated across my 250+ articles which I’ve made available to anyone and everyone at no cost to them. I mean, what am I doing wrong, people?

There can only be one "Funky President" - Photo by New York Public Library on Unsplash.

Giving up on being a somebody is not the same as not getting what you feel you deserve. There might be overlap, but I must remember this distinction, as it’s crucial for not allowing the bitterness and resentment to overwhelm you. Just like how there is a difference between thought and actions. Do I really want to be a CEO or world leader or public intellectual or leading researcher? My actions lead me to the summation of “not in this current climate, perhaps never.” Always pay attention to the difference between thoughts and actions, it will tell you a lot about yourself, even things you don’t want to acknowledge. Sometimes they can be diametrically opposed, sometimes it can generate a lot of internal conflict. I’ve had a lot of this over the years. You’re supposed to suffer, you’re supposed to put in a lot of effort for no/little reward, you have to pay your dues before you make it to the big leagues. This is what we’re told and reinforced in society if you want to be a somebody. Maybe I don’t want to play this game anymore. I’m taking my basketball and going home.

“I need something with staying power, not something that’s good for the moment.”

There is no surprise when I started this writing venture that the nobody-somebody dichotomy was at the forefront of my mind. I mean my whole persona as a writer is QWAN – Quality Without A Name (emphasis on the “without”). I thought I’d grow into a somebody, but I haven’t. Now, it’s up to me to shed the idea from my DNA, my soul…and forge my life as a nobody. Correction, I already am a nobody. I’m shedding the desire and aspiration to be a somebody. I’m done with putting in so much effort and getting nowhere. Time to end needless suffering. Wish me luck. I guarantee I’ll relapse and still believe I can do it if I just change this or if I just work harder, but I must understand that this is the old ego clinging on for dear life in the face of death. After all, until death do us part.  

Please consider donating at one of the links below, if you are able to do so, I would very much appreciate it.

Ko-fi

PayPal