Feelings of loneliness, isolation and being misunderstood.
I’m sure rapper Tupac Shakur had other reasons behind what “me against the world” meant, but of all his songs it’s the one that has stuck most with me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt that no one outside my immediately family wants me to succeed, as disheartening as that might be to admit. This teamed together with my internal thinking that success should be the default mode for me, doesn’t make for the easiest thing to live with.
However, I’m still fighting the good fight.
I know plenty of people across time have said this, but I feel capable (notice I said capable, not “destined”, that is another kettle of fish) of great things, so I keep aiming high despite evidence to the contrary. I don’t mean it in any megalomaniacal sense that I’m so much better than everyone else – because you do have to watch for that – I just feel that once I’ve overcome myself that there really is no stopping me. I could be wrong, however.
I’ve come to the realisation that this feeling, if genuine, is incredibly rare. This automatically puts me at odds with the large majority of people and is a constant source of the aforementioned subtitle of this article. I feel called to pursue this life – I don’t feel I’ve chosen it, it has chosen me – and I feel responsible to answer the call as if the fate of humanity depends on it. I know this is where people are going to be like, “calm the farm, Marty”, and I get that, but it seems to be this way and I’ve been reluctant to say it out aloud for fear of being misunderstood.
“Those who wish to help the masses best not fall in love with the messiah complex. I ain’t no Moses leading Israelites to the Promised Land.”
It’s truly saddening to me that so many people live the “the beautiful lie”, but as valiantly as I try, I cannot force them not to. There is little to no awareness and even less desire and willingness to deviate from it. It’s Plato’s “Myth of the Cave” writ large. Still, I’m not going to rail against the world that has disowned me, despite how easy it would be and the potential to make me feel better. That way corrupts the soul and we’ve seen too many examples of what that can lead to. No, I must keep courageously confronting the world, along with my ignorance.
“I don’t feel I belong in 2023, but I must find some way to optimally live.”
At times this world feels so alienating to me that I don’t feel like I belong here and now. In a weird sense, it’s like I grieve for a potential self that lived in another time and place. Perhaps this is why I sink myself into so many books, films and video games which allow me the possibility. Perhaps this is why I try and build myself as the eternal man who doesn’t belong to a particular era. Maybe I focus too much on the differences, what separates me from everybody else. I can’t help but feel like a man wandering around in a tailcoat with a top hat, monocle and walking cane in a generation of shorts and singlets.
“There have been times where I’ve felt like giving up, I’m not going to lie, but I just can’t do that to myself. I must keep finding it within me to go on.”
So, how does one succeed in the Influencer & OnlyFans era? Where people celebrate their stupidity and worship their ignorance? Every day I’m inching closer to the opinion that people don’t want knowledge, they just want to be entertained, perhaps even mindlessly so, to numb themselves into oblivion to the true nature of their existence. The selfie has replaced true critical self-reflection for the godless self-gods. It’s like we’re suffering a plague of adult infants collectively sucking on Gaia’s breast.
People want praise for the mundane and I won’t give them that. People whinge, complain and blame others for things that are their fault, and I call them out on that. I have a tendency to reflect back in others their deficiencies and flaws in their character, a) to facilitate awareness, b) to set about improving themselves and more importantly c) to lessen the unnecessary suffering brought upon themselves and those around them. However, most people don’t like that and don’t want someone like that in their life, but usually it’s because their ego is wounded, they haven’t gotten over themselves and/or they think I’m trying to insult/degrade them (or elevate myself).
I’m not Prometheus stealing fire from Zeus and returning it to the mortals. I’m a mortal myself. If nobody wants me to succeed, well, it’s just me against the world, baby…I got nothing to lose.