Questions to help ascertain a good partner for you.
Obtaining a meaningful and fulfilling relationship is the primary aim for pretty much everyone. I explore why this has become increasingly difficult in my article, “Disposable Humans”, highlighting four key changes in the way we interact, the way we date, what are we dating for and what does it mean to be together with someone.
Any time I do one of these types of articles I can’t help but feel the need to write a qualifier before I start – the usual what it is, what it isn’t, what I’m trying to say and how I could be misinterpreted. This is not about sowing a seed of doubt, but asking important questions if you want a meaningful relationship. These questions work whether you are sure or unsure about your relationship, although I think most would only begin to ask these if there were some doubts.
Similar to the “Question Time” articles I wrote using questions from the School of Life (click to read part I and part II), the following five questions were also derived from the same source, and if reading them in Alain de Botton’s voice helps then go right ahead.
1) If you're told you're a lot like your partner, would this be a compliment to you?
When you are asked about our partner, do you find it easier to run to their flaws (perceived and actual) or to their strengths and virtues? Granted, human beings tend to have a negativity bias which may have us focusing on one or two (or several hehe) things that really drive us mad about our partners as opposed to the 10 things they do that we like. However, your answer to this question, in a general sense, should be immediately obvious. Basically, you’re determining the level of praiseworthiness that your current partner has and whether or not you give approval to the majority of their personality, behaviours and ethics as if they were your own.
2) Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely?
Big difference. BIG. And plenty of times we’ll convince ourselves that we’re happy and satisfied in our relationships when really we’re not, and we just don’t want to (or can’t) be on our own. As I wrote in, “Disappearing act or last man standing?”, it is advisable to learn to be by yourself so that you can be with others out of want rather than need. To know if you are truly fulfilled in any relationship, you have to know yourself and what are your needs and wants. After doing that, which is no small feat, you have to have the courage and assertiveness to articulate and put forward them to your significant other. No surprise why many people still don’t. It’s a skill thing and a confidence thing. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend like everything is alright. Sometimes people are afraid to ask for (and get) what they want. Sometimes you’re more lonely in a relationship than out of one.
3) Are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel you need to show up differently to please your partner?
The vulnerability and fear of being yourself is a great hurdle of life for us all, and while there is always some form of compromise within a relationship, the western individualistic drive is still strong in many. A good, simple test to determine whether you are being yourself or someone else is to ask yourself whether what you’re saying and doing is making you feel stronger or weaker. External validation is a key point here because whilst we want to please our partner and we like receiving positive responses from them, doing it at the cost of being yourself is delaying inevitable pain, and is usually where the seeds of bitterness and resentment are sown. This can tie to the previous question in the sense of pleasing your partner against who you are because you just want to be less lonely. To be truly unapologetically yourself is a compatibility issue, it’s not about being ignorant or uncaring to your partner. Only when both parties are authentically themselves can you have a truly fulfilling relationship.
4) Are you in love right now with who your partner is as a whole or are you only in love with their good side, their potential or the idea of them?
Ah yes, another crucial point. Loving a flawed being is more difficult than it sounds, and involves the entirety of who they are especially the parts you do not like, perhaps even more so. You can’t have a long-lasting fulfilling relationship by only loving their good side or what you hope they’ll turn out to be like. Some people only like the idea of having a partner which is usually a result of an emotional unavailability or lack of maturity, or they merely want someone out of convenience or necessity, but have no real intention of loving them beyond their need of them. Relating to the previous question, you can’t only love your partner when they’re nice to you or only when they respond positively to you – obviously, it’s a damn sight easier, however.
5) Would you want your future/imagined child to date someone like your partner?
Now, I know this may seem a bit Freudian Oedipus Complex, but it’s a good perspective shift exercise because it engages you at a different level of cognition and emotion. By examining a potential child, the caring dynamic is changed (as opposed to just thinking about ourselves which sometimes we can overlook or ignore). I mean, the obvious point to make is, if you wouldn’t want your future/imagined child dating someone like your partner, why are you dating your partner now? This question really gets you to look upon your relationship with a fresh set of eyes, as if to begin again.
I know everyone likes to talk about the big “C” when it comes to relationships, and believe me commitment is incredibly important, but I’d like to mention compatibility, complimentary, communication and compromise. This isn’t about creating doubts (or manufacturing them out of your insecurities), but formulating a valuable discernment towards achieving the ultimate goal of relationship fulfilment, and indeed, a satisfactory life.
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We can all do with more understanding of how relationships work to enable us to have a better insight at choosing the "right person" to love, share, care so a fulfilling life can be had together.........after nearly 41 years of being together with your dad, I'd say we got something right. Life isn't perfect, has its ups and downs but if you aren't with the right person to roll with these punches, then life will never be truly fulfilling nor happy. As you say, you can be lonelier in a relationship than not being in one! Communication is the key to success but sadly people don't seem to understand this. Really important article for people to comprehend Martyn :-)
Love…