Absurd or a sign of giving up?
Or, like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
Well, that’s one way of contending with absurdity – humour, laughing at it.
I don’t know about you, but I’m plagued with questions about life, the universe and everything. What have I learned? What am I doing wrong? What does success look like? What is the point of being knowledgeable? What is the point of anything? What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to be?
“Where are the answers to the questions I seek? I don’t know, or maybe I do, but if I find them I’ll let you know.”
Is this a cry for help against the nonsensical nature of reality? Why do I feel like I don’t belong, and especially now? Am I just being a bitch? Am I just tired? Could it be that I’m speaking to the wrong crowd?
“When we desire to live in a past period, what is it that we’re searching for?”
I ask a lot of questions, and I try to work it through with you all the possible solutions, an exploration in thinking, but I feel at odds with my fellow man as they don’t seem to be as inquisitive. It is this feeling of isolation that haunts me, and forms part of the reason why I don’t know if I’m ahead of the curve of dramatically off course (obviously, I believe it’s the former, but I’m open to the possibility it’s not the case).
At the end of the day, most people won’t take an interest in you and your life if they do not like you. You could be the smartest person in the room, but no one will give a fuck if you succeed or fail. In this sense, life is a bit like a popularity contest (and unlike a meritocracy) and is something I haven’t mastered. This is part of the reason why I’m drawn to someone like David Goggins. This man has truly succeeded from nothing and does not give a single fuck about whether anyone likes him, understands him or what anyone thinks of him (and plenty of people claim that, but in reality it's not the case).
“Success is not guaranteed nor are you entitled to it, no matter what your talents.”
I don’t feel I’m giving up on life, but the more and more I try to work it out and solve its problems, the more I feel I’m drifting away from it. Perhaps Kierkegaard was right in saying that, “life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.”, which is a lot like what Alan Watts says about the purpose of life being the dance. However, I like solving problems, I’ve always solved problems, I’ve always known things which is what people want from me. Is it my choice or is it my nature?
I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to have so little people take an interest and care about me. For this I’m very thankful to my mum, dad and brother, who haven’t left me in times of need – and that’s why I’d do anything for them in a heartbeat, that is why we are so close and tight-knit as a family unit, that is why I choose to be around them.
To say “life makes no sense” is not the same as to be afraid of change. If you are afraid of change you are afraid of the very thing that makes us human. Change is fundamental to the human experience, but it doesn’t necessarily make sense. Outcomes, cause and effect, concepts…I feel it is the arbitrary nature of life behind why some succeed and some don’t, why some die and others do not, why certain ideas become popular for a period of time…it’s like no one knows anything, but very few are willing to admit it.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can accept that life makes no sense and laugh at its absurdity or you can reject life and say it makes no sense while throwing your hands up in the air (in despair).
I struggle with the absurdity of life, I have a difficult time with letting go of what I do not understand.
I know I must learn to let go otherwise I will be forever at conflict with life and myself, which will eventually wear me down and kill me. I struggle with my lack of success relative to my education level. I still believe that I am capable of something remarkable, and I’m obligated to pursue that, but perhaps this too is something I need to let go of.
Perhaps the aim is to be a good shock absorber, taking in all the bumps of life whilst maintaining stability. Perhaps it is to understand that the sound of the rain needs no translation. That there is no formula to generate the authentic warmth of love. That sometimes it is the very people who no one imagines anything of who do the things that no one can imagine.