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Drawing blanks

*insert subtitle here*

A creativity slump, writer’s block, drawing blanks…whatever you wish to call it, the feeling where nothing feels good or right to write about and you don’t know why. You are awash with an inability to write anything that seems remotely plausible despite having a mountain of topics or story ideas in your bank to draw from. I have nothing coming up from the depths of my unconscious, which is where I intuit 99% of what I write about, so here is what I’ve managed to conjure up under the circumstances.

For the second week in a row I have had no story ready to go by Friday and usually this is a sign that something’s up. Similar to when I last took a break although I do not have the feelings of being overwhelmed or exhausted or in despair…it’s more like I’m empty or nothing’s there or that the resource well is dry, perhaps is most accurate.

I’ve been doing things I said I must alleviate – forcing creativity, waiting/searching for interaction and positive feedback online, no unwinding or having fun, preventing relax time or not taking a break, doing too many things at once, not totally focusing on one task at a time (too much watching/listening to something else while doing primary task) – trying to kill two birds with one stone leads to many-a-miss.

I’ve been guilty of focusing too much on stats/analytics of my website and the performance of my posts and trying to work out why four of the last five posts haven’t done as well. The topics have been centred more around me, but slipping into a “people don’t care about me?” frame of mind is not helpful though very easy to do.

I’ve been a bit too worried about whether this venture is financially viable and this is hindering the creative process and expression. I wrote a piece on “Money vs Art” which explores the topic in a bit more depth and is something I may revisit and expand upon.

Which brings me to two very important questions:

What are you writing for?

Who are you writing for?

I came across a quote recently that went something like this, “writing is for expression. Everything else is just marketing.”, in essence, you write to express yourself and not for anyone else to read it, really, as the creative tries to overcome the tyranny of the mundane. It reminds me of a conversation Alan Watts had with a Zen Master in which the Zen Master said, “don’t write any story for people. Write it to the great sky…”, which sounds wonderfully beautiful and all, I’m sure, to most of you, but it doesn’t pay the bills does it?

Is it time for me to stop being so concerned with the wellbeing of others and pursue self-interest more? It is my nature to care and be there for others, but I think I’ve not been as assertive for myself as I may need to be.

Maybe I need to stop/lessen my concern with improving others, especially when they don’t seem to want to. I don’t get people who “vent” then don’t want to do anything to help themselves or their situation. Do they think that everything will just miraculously solve itself? Things aren’t going to get better by themselves, you’re just going to end up at the same point (or worse) and you’re just going to keep on suffering and making your life worse and for the people around you. It’s not the bullshit self-help/wellness nonsense I’m referring to, it’s genuine personal development/growth towards the highest ideal.

Perhaps I’m speaking the wrong language or talking to the wrong crowd. I need to find my voice and my people.

“The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.” – Elliot Carver, Bond Villain, Tomorrow Never Dies.

“A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.” – 16th century French philosopher, Michel de Montaigne.

I fear being myself because I believe it will make me more alone and isolated (than I already am) and thus I am disconnected from myself and more isolated than I otherwise would be. I feel in some instances I’m holding myself back, tip-toeing on eggshells. The heightened sensitivity and unpredictability of people makes me uncertain and unnecessarily/overly cautious. I need to let go of people having a negative opinion of me though this is more from misunderstanding/misinterpreting me than any genuine dislike.

You’re a 33-year-old grown man, Martyn, get over it, man up – know yourself, develop yourself and the rest will take care of itself. I’ve dealt with most people not liking me or only liking me conditionally (for my brain, usually, or because we’ve done the same activity). Maybe I’ll never find a home (outside of family) – maybe being a chameleon is not the way.

I’m a deep human being, too deep for most. They don’t want to know and explore, so I hint at things for them.

So, I apologise for the slightly disjointed nature of this week’s post, but it’s a slight peek inside the somewhat messy and convoluted nature of my mind. Hopefully this makes the murky waters of my mind a bit clearer, and now the rain has gone, moving onto a bright (bright) sunshiny day.

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