Somewhere I belong
- Martyn Foster
- Nov 21
- 4 min read
To be a part or to be apart, that is the question.
Human beings have always had a need for a sense of belonging. Evolutionarily, it helped or dare I say, was essential to our survival and eventual growth as a species. The archaic hardware remains yet our social systems have become much more complex leading to responses for life-or-death situations sometimes being applied to non-life-or-death situations – the typical type 1 error or “false positive” commonly found in anxiety disorders. We have now progressed to a point that it is not essential to our physiological survival to belong to a group or tribe, yet our mind, body and soul still yearn to be a part of a larger social dynamic than just ourselves. So, what do we do?
As I mentioned in last week’s article, “With every passing day, I know less”, society keeps telling me it wants what I have, but it keeps showing me the opposite. This sort of thing does not aid a sense of belonging and is one of the main reasons why I feel I don’t belong anywhere. I mean, the only place I feel at home is home, which is why I spend most of my time there. It’s the only place that offers me a sense of comfort and acceptance. It’s the only place that hasn’t rejected me to some extent.
I feel at this point it’s worth revisiting a certain article I wrote nearly five years ago, one titled, “It’s not that easy being green”, about my experience with childhood bullying. I didn’t know why I was the target (for the most part), I didn’t know what I had done to deserve this poor treatment, I was a good person with good qualities. Social exclusion, trust issues, people only wanting to be around me for what I could do for them and not the value of my company as a person…I was made to feel I didn’t belong or only conditionally. I still don’t know who is going to attack me next or when and with the additional advancements in technology, it could be anyone, anytime. This takes it toll, both mentally and physically, even if most nowadays turn out to be false positives, hostility is still aplenty so I still believe I must be prepared to defend myself from possible attacks.
“It’s like I’m fighting ghosts or reincarnations from 20+ years ago.”
I’ve always had to chase people, initiate discussion or catchups (and follow up when I either get no response or they forget). It just seems to be the way life is, I’ve unfortunately lucked out and drawn the short straw in this department, but it does further cement the feelings of not belonging anywhere. Having studied psychology, I’m aware that the major factor for social interaction is proximity. So, naturally, once that proximity stops, a lot falls by the wayside, be it school, sports, workplaces or other interest groups.
I’ve jumped around a bit like a chameleon, it feels, I stay for a bit then move on. My blending stops. Is it because I’m a fraud who isn’t really that colour? I’m pretending to be that colour or do I just finally realise that I don’t belong here, I’m not allowed to be me, I’m not liked for being me, and I can no longer tolerate putting on a face, an act, so I must find somewhere new (or further retreat/withdrawal).
“You always have to be comfortable in your own skin because you follow you around 24/7 and that is a terrible hell to be trapped in otherwise. Easier said than done mind you.”
They always say that “life is better with company”, but we’re witnessing modern challenges to this idea (like every idea, it seems). More and more people are choosing the single life and not just in a romantic sense. They simply don’t like or want to be around others. I guess, the counter counterargument is that this is all going on rather ironically and simultaneously during a loneliness epidemic, people alone not by choice. People are feeling more alone, isolated and unloved than ever before and yet we have an increasing amount of people who are giving the middle finger to everybody else. Strange, is it not?
So, to repair, restore and reconnect the severed connection or leave it severed? This isn’t some kind of woe is me pity parade. People have been dealt bad hands in life – far worse than me – and people form new connections all the time. I thought I would have figured out my proper place in the world by now, but evidently, I have not. I keep trying, but am I trying too hard or not enough? I keep looking, but in all the wrong places it seems. As usual, I end up with more questions than answers. It feels like there are bad people everywhere. I feel increasingly at odds with the world and I struggle with that; I don’t accept it, and perhaps, that’s part of the problem.
It seems that Linkin’ Park is, rather ironically, fitting to be called upon again in summing up: I want to let go of the pain I've felt so long. I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real, I want to find something I've wanted all along. Somewhere I belong.
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